Communication Skills to Boost Power and Influence
One more time and you're going to scream. If darling Darlene shouts over her cubicle to say anything to anyone just one more time, you know you're going to lose it. You're so worried that she may shout out one of her customary ridiculous questions that you can barely concentrate on the project that is due by the end of the day. And then, it happens. You hear her calling you, "Stefanie, do all members receive the conference DVDs or only attendees?" That's it. You’ve had enough. Through gritted teeth, you shout, "Gosh darn it, Stefanie, look up the answer, and would you stop shouting! You give me a headache every day." Of course, the irony — that you're also shouting — doesn't dawn on you until you've rehashed the mortifying scene in your mind at least half a dozen times.
The ability to influence others — to persuade them to do what you want them to do, while you maintain dignity and professionalism — is a crucial success skill. Here are 3 ideas you can use to use to boost your persuasive abilities:
1. Help the other person comply. We can't influence anyone if they don't want to do what we're asking. In fact, the more obnoxious we are, the less likely they are to be persuaded to do what we want. No matter what our motivation, if we make them feel uncomfortable or patronized, it takes a saint to not react just as obnoxiously. We not only don't influence them; we alienate them for next time, too. The idea is to help the other person feel safe, respected and even appreciated. And, it has to be authentic.
So, you're very likely thinking either, "Can I have some of whatever you're smoking?" or "Call me when you get back from la-la land!" Yet, contrary to what many people think, it really isn’t as difficult as it sounds.
Darlene, from our example, probably doesn’t realize how distracting her behavior is to you. It's likely that you haven't addressed it directly with her because you don't want to be offensive. Her shouting has caused you unknown amounts of grief, but she doesn't know that. And, even if you had asked her, "Darlene, would you mind not shouting over the cubicle so often?" or if you attacked her, "Darlene, I'm going nuts with all of your shouting," she may have apologized, and stopped, for just a few days.
Help her to comply with your request by speaking respectfully and directly. Here are 4 steps to influence her:
- Tell her what she may not know
- Tell her what she needs to know about how her behavior affects you
- Tell her your solution
- Ask for her commitment
Here is an example:
You: "Darlene, you may not realize (this is true, because surely if she did realize, she would have stopped a long time ago), that when you shout over the cubicle, I can't get my work done. I'm easily distracted and it takes me awhile to get back into the flow of what I'm doing. It would help me so much if, when you can't get the answers through your search, you would email me your questions. I’ll check my email every 15 minutes so that you get my response quickly. Will that be okay?
Darlene: I guess.
You: Thank you. I really appreciate it. So, from now on, you'll search first, and then if you still can't find the answer you need, you'll email me and I'll respond within 15 minutes so your work isn't held up either. Okay?
Darlene: Yes.
You: Thank you. I really appreciate your help.
2. Know what you want. To be influential, whether you're talking to a direct report, your manager, a customer, or your life partner, you must know what you want to influence them to do. As obvious as this seems, in my years as a sales trainer and communications coach, this critical information goes missing.
Let's say that your boss is always checking email while you're in her office trying to talk to her. She rarely makes eye contact with you and you feel like she isn't listening to you or respecting you. Unless you know exactly and specifically what you want from her, you'll be unable to influence her to change her behavior.
Be purposeful by asking yourself: What do I want from this conversation? On first glance, it may seem that what you want is for her to acknowledge that she respects you. If you ask for respect, and she says, "Peyton, of course, I respect you. I'm just busy but really I'm paying attention to everything you said. What you just asked me was why don't I show you any respect? Right? I’m very capable of doing 2 things at once. That's how I make it through the day you know!" Then what do you say? You don't want her to simply say that she respects you, you want her to show you respect. Specifically, that means that you need her to stop checking email while you and she talk, or find another way to act respectfully.
Once you know how you want to influence her, you're ready to ask yourself the second purpose question:
If that's what I want (to get her to stop checking email while you and she talk, or find another way to act respectfully), how would I act and what would I say? This is the easy part! Help her feel safe (and not make her defend her actions), be respectful (give out what you want back) and buffer your request with a reason that matters to her.
You: Marilyn, it would really help me to complete this project if I could ask you a few questions.
Marilyn as she checks her BlackBerry: Sure, shoot.
You: Okay. Just one thing: you had mentioned that it's comfortable for you to check your BlackBerry while we talk, and if I could get your full attention for just about 3 minutes, I can get the information I need more quickly, leave you alone so you can get your work done, and I'd feel better about the conversation. (She may not care about the last reason but she'll care about the first two.) Would it be okay if we talked without distractions? That would really help me do a better job for you.
Marilyn: Oh sorry. I'm expecting to hear from Parker, and it's really important that I respond immediately. It also impacts the project. (She pushes her BlackBerry aside. I'll check it if it pings to see if it's Parker.
You: Yes. Great. Thank you. My first question is...
Notice in this example, you didn't get her to stop checking her email entirely (see, I don’t live in la-la land!), but you did influence her to give you the respect you desire and deserve. She explained to you why she was planning to check her email, and I'd bet that unless she is a boss-from-hell (or totally and mindlessly addicted), that she wouldn't keep up her constant thumbing. When Parker's name pops up, she'll say, "It's Parker. Excuse me." Bingo — respect!
3. Involve them. The more others are involved, the more likely they are to buy in to your idea. Let’s say that staff training at your company is pretty much hit or miss, with a workshop once a year, at best. When you pitch your idea for a consistent communications-training plan, complete with PowerPoint and an estimated budget at the executive meeting, they turn down your request for funding. Even though you were purposeful and respectful, you didn’t convince them to do what you wanted. Data dumping rarely persuades people to change their behavior.
At your next opportunity, involve them. Ask questions that are both rhetorical and literal. Compel them to participate (even if they disagree) and you’ll increase your influence and improve results. An easy way to involve them is to use words like: “imagine, visualize or picture”. (This is called “implied involvement.)
Another way to involve them is to begin with the possible pain of the situation you’re able to solve. You might say: “Imagine that morale here at Coore Communications has plummeted to an all time low. Not only are employees being less productive, but some of our key players begin to jump ship and move to our competition. During exit interviews, they say things like: ‘I just couldn’t work with So and so anymore. Her negativity was driving me crazy.’ Or, ‘I’m not getting a pay increase by going with the other company, but I feel like no one really cares if I do a great job or not here. I was working 14 hour days for 3 weeks in a row, and no one noticed. It’s not that I want great praise, I really was just doing my job. It would have been nice, though, to have my efforts acknowledged — by someone. Everyone here takes commitment for granted and a pat on the back once in awhile would have gone a long way.’ Even if it sounds far-fetched, do you agree that that could happen here?”
The more often you stop your dialogue and create opportunities for involvement and conversation, the more likely you are to increase your influence over them. This is true whether you’re selling your destination, your service, or your meeting budget.
For more ideas on how you can create greater influence and sell your ideas and products more easily, schedule Sue Hershkowitz-Coore to speak at your next meeting. For details, visit www.SpeakerSue.com, or call 480-575-9711.
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